In This Moment

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“We don’t need to push a river, the old saying goes. It flows by itself.” – Gurmukh

I’ve been up for around 3 hours this morning, consciously choosing to stay in at home, lie in bed, read my book, and let my body rest. The past few weeks have been overwhelming but also very exciting and productive. I’m grateful for that but I also feel blessed to be given a pause in between the high-energy activities I’ve been having recently.

It’s not every day that I get to stay in and do nothing and in this space, I realize I have taken so many things for granted. In the silence and stillness, I became aware of the presence of loved ones in my life by their very simple act of greeting me in the morning and wishing me a good day ahead. I smile at the gesture and feel warmth flowing inside me.

I snuggle deeply in my soft bed and settle with a book I started out struggling to read. I’m equipping myself with more insight and knowledge on pregnancy and mindfulness and because I’ve never been pregnant, I had a hard time digesting them in the beginning. However, the moment I decided to let go of the struggle of trying to understand, space opened up and I was able to absorb the insights that I needed at that moment. I did not expect that I could apply some of the meditations and the practices these books advocate to myself. I am amazed to really see how so many things are one. We are all connected. As long as we make a conscious effort to see rather than to know.

A really amazing quote that struck me this week was from the book “Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful” by Gurmukh. It went like this:

Ask for help from the Universe. We weren’t meant to do everything alone. Sit in the middle of the confusion. I promise you, the answer will come.

To be honest, this quote seemed very random but the moment I read it, it spoke to me so much that I reached out to a dear cousin of mine abroad and sent her this quote. She responded quite immediately, telling me how much she needed to hear that at that moment. Truly, a deep invisible thread connects us all.

Towards the end of that week, I also met up with a close friend of mine from my previous job. We reconnected, laughed, and caught up. But in the midst of the peals of laughter, we also hit some notes of melancholy when we compared who we are now to who we were in the past. We both struggle with an overthinking mind and I understood completely what she goes through because I go through it myself. I mentioned this quote again to her and I felt her tense vibrations soften. I did not know how potent those words were to others, I just know it was for me. And deep inside, maybe it called to me so I can share it with the people I love too.

I admit that in the moments when I choose to savor the moment and just be, a wave of guilt and reprimanding thoughts usually rush towards me, telling me to be more productive and to do more. It could be a struggle sometimes to silence those thoughts, but I’ve learned that instead of silencing, I could gently remind myself of all the things I achieved just by being where I was. I need to learn to let go of forcing and controlling and instead, embrace allowing.

Today, I am aware that I have chosen to stay in because my mind is ablur. I can sense my mind wanting to rethink and redo some actions I did yesterday. And when I start to listen, I can feel my heart start to hasten. Breathe, Anna. I tell myself. You did those things because you knew they were right at the time. Give things time to settle and the right result will present itself to you. 

I’m just using this time and space today to gather myself back and settle with who I am. I admit I’m not perfect but I do the best I can at any given moment. Maybe that’s just enough.

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